39 weeks: impatiently patient

Well, we’re still waiting. We’ve checked all of our tasks off the list for the most part (the hospital bag? Almost packed), and now we just…wait. This weekend felt odd…like there was something big we should be doing, something urgent to be addressed, when in reality there was nothing pressing. We watched basketball, went out to lunch, made a belly cast (really), and puttered about the house. We shared this overarching feeling of urgency when in reality nothing urgent waited to be tackled. Well, nothing aside from labor and delivery and Mango. But that we cannot control – we’re at the mercy of Mango and the mercy of my body deciding that eviction is the best option.

There’s something surreal about these days, these hours. I look at Chris and feel like we should be doing things, making memories, living these final moments when it is just us…and then I realize that we are doing just that. We’re wandering about our neighborhood, both of us lost in the same yet different thoughts, teetering on the brink of a moment in time that will change our world in a way that we cannot yet know. But we do know. Sort of. We know our hopes and our dreams for life after Mango…we know what we want our world to look like, what we want to strive to achieve. Much of that is quite simple. We long for the firsts: the first glimpse, the first snuggle, the first smile, the first laugh. Oh, the first laugh. For two people who spend as much time chuckling as we do, that first laugh is huge.

I now understand how parents have hopes and dreams for their children, but I wonder if they are really hopes and dreams for the children or hopes and dreams for the world in which they want their children to live? I mean, I don’t care one way or another about the details…I just want to create a world in which happiness reigns, fear is rare, and love abounds. A world of wonder that leaves Mango open to embracing the quirkiness of the people of his or her world, and a curiosity that pushes our little creation to seek out new places, new people, new experiences. Must it be on a grand scale? Not at all. But do I hope to impart those values on Mango? Sure. Does it matter if Mango loves to travel, will watch sports with Chris, and enjoys an afternoon walk with me? Not entirely. Of course all of those things would be nice, but ultimately I’m not sure they matter so long as we share the core beliefs of loving the world and treating others with kindness. Being open to differences, and – better yet – finding beauty in differences. Embracing life as an adventure to be experienced rather than a collection of empty days strung together by sleepless nights.

So as we sit here, impatiently patiently awaiting Mango’s arrival, of course our minds are filled with thoughts about what childbirth will be, what life with Mango will be, and just how different our world will look.  But more than anything, we find ourselves drifting into thoughts of the joys we want to share with Mango, the simple life lessons that we hold so dear. So yes, we do have hopes and dreams for Mango, but now more than ever I realize that they are quite basic in nature: to share with our child the world as we see it, full of love and potential for joy. Sprinkled with laughter even on the crappiest of days. Full of adventure in whatever way Mango so chooses.

But in the meantime, we kind of just sit…gazing pensively out the window…impatiently patient.

Oh, and check this out:

Oh yes, definitely pregnant.

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