Holding on to a smile.

Why do I leave his smile every day?  I ponder this question more and more these days. How do I find something better suited to these lofty visions I have for what our world should be? Where do I even begin to look?

I notice that these thoughts are a pattern, and not a good one. When I look back into the archives of my thoughts, this notion is ever-present since the wee man came to be. It was so easy before James to scuttle along, following each whim, confident that what I chose need not be permanent. I maintain those same thoughts now – my current existence will not always be my daily routine – but somehow there is more to it.

The choices mean more, say more, feel more.

This little guy is at stake.

And you – no, I – only live once.

So what do I want it to be?

And why do I choose to leave him each day?

Realistically, there are answers. A paycheck, health insurance, retirement benefits, a bit of my life to call my own. A life outside of our little bubble at home.

But does it need to be every day? And does it need to be in this space that continually beats me down, wears me out, tries to make me believe I am not enough?  I don’t think it does. And I know that it does not need to be a place that makes me feel any less courageous, intelligent, strong, and kind than I am.

So what do I do?

The same thing I always have done: I create change.

The only question remaining is how.

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