Disappearing Act

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So I disappeared for a while. I think it has been a combination of winter and hibernation, with a side of turning my thoughts inward for a bit. It just that…we’ve had a big winter of so much snow we can hardly see straight and so much cold weather, combined with a huge bit of joyous news in that our days as a family of three are numbered. So yeah, hibernation and baby equals just as many thoughts as usual, but those thoughts have been focused inward instead of outward. It’s not a bad thing from time to time, I don’t think.

James is a little ball of loving energy these days. He’s 22 months and every bit a boy, but also every bit the snuggliest little thing I’ve ever met. He both energizes and exhausts me, but always soothes my soul. The innocence is incomparable. We cook together, him with his spatula, me with mine. We snuggle, and he pulls my arm around him as he says hug. He calls himself Deet-deet; he calls me Mom-mom. I don’t know how we got so lucky, and I also don’t know how times flies so quickly. He’s not a baby anymore.

And we’re making room for a baby, which makes him even more not a baby. He’ll be a big brother to a tiny little soul. And we’ll be a group of four instead of our cozy little clan of three.

So these days seem important, limited, precious. I find myself savoring the moments with James – just James – and the moments with Chris and James – just Chris and James – because I know that soon enough those moments will be rare. That notion is exciting, really exciting, and at the same time overwhelming and insane.  We’re growing, and I find so much joy in this time of our lives where we have our little family, but where we also know that the final family picture differs from what it is now. It’s eager anticipation for what we will become, but also sentimental nostalgia at who we are now and just how far we have already come.

It’s a lot of big thoughts. What life will look like, how we’ll adjust, who this person will be. How James will adjust, how I will ever find time for a run or a return to yoga, how we’ll find time to cook a decent meal. How our energy, our attention, our priorities will shift. How we will shift. Who we will be.

So many thoughts that make me turn inward, a ball of reflection, anticipation, excitement. A ball of sleepiness too, but mostly a ball of all of that good stuff. So we sit and wonder, watch the days tick passed into weeks into months. Wondering, wondering, wondering…who will we be?

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